Mad Professor

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Mister Jalopy gave me this cake of Tio Nacho. It's a medicinal soap made by Bustillos in Mexico.

Take a look at Tio Nacho ("Uncle Tio"). He's undeniably related to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, the holy figurehead of the Church of the SubGenius, of which I am a devout member. Here they are, side-by-side. Can you deny the resemblance?

It's safe to say that Uncle Nacho was J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' uncle. This fact alone was enough to guarantee my lifelong brand-loyalty to the soap, no matter what was in the box.

Of course I was eager to open it anyway. Could it be that Tio Nacho's active ingredient was the sacred herb habafropzipulops (or 'frop, as it is known in the street)?

J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' pipe bowl is stuffed with this beneficial plant, which, according to Everything2, is

The revered and despised grief-easer of the mountains, the warrior against pain, the healing herb. Whether taken as smoke, liquid, food, or as "Bob's" pills, it, above all other medicinal substances, "spells relief." From the hearty young stalks protruding from the Himalayan snow to the white 'frop-dust that settles on the rim of "Bob's" Pipe, it is the closest thing to the untainted essence of ODIN on Earth. Habafropzipulops is not merely safe, but beneficial -- nay, even necessary -- to bodily health. We encourage our children to partake of it copiously, to their little heart's abundant desires.

Amen to that! The side of the box has a list of ingredients:

Pine tar...................... 1.80 G
Sulphur....................... 1.80 G
Resorcinol.................... 0.90 G
Neutral Soap
(Sufficient to complete) .... 90.00 G

As soon as I opened the box, I was struck by a powerful aroma, one that was both sweet and burned. I detected hint of cloves and granny perfume. The soap came wrapped in a piece of paper emblazoned with the emblems of various expos dating back to 1880 (Silver Medal winner at the Pan American exhibition in Puebla):

Also of interest was a fold-out instructional pamphlet enclosed in the box. The cover featured a 50s-style cartoon character reading the very same pamphlet, but unlike the famous infinite regression Borden's Dairy Cow logo, the little pamphlet the man was holding was blank. It really should have had the same drawing of the man reading the pamphlet. I was disappointed.

The other illustrations in the pamphlet were excellent, though. I don't understand Spanish, but it looks like Tio Nacho is good for six things:

1. Washing babies. It also makes fun bubbles!

2. Google translates "En la piel cabelluda" as "In the hairy skin." I'm taking this to mean it promotes hair growth. At $1.95 a cake, it's much cheaper than Minoxidol.

3. I don't need Google Translate to tell me what's going on here. This loving couple has contracted a serious skin condition. The fact that they are a couple makes it pretty clear that this particular disease is contagious. Judging by the expressions on their faces, I'd say the girl gave it to the guy, and not the other way around.

4. Itchy Scalp. Now we're talking. If I skip a day of washing my hair, I go out of my mind with itchiness. I often wake up in the middle of the night feeling like my hair is infested with crawling bugs, Charles Freck-style.

5. Dandruff. I use Neutrogena coal tar shampoo to control my dandruff. It works wonderfully, and never in my life have I smelled anything as delightful as coal tar. When I die, I want to be entombed in a tank of it.

6. Excessively greasy hair. That's me! My head is itchy, flaky, and greasy. Please help me, Uncle Nacho.

The soap is brownish red. The color reminds me a bit of Neutrogena shampoo. It's a good color, but wouldn't jet black be the best color for this soap?

Now it was time to put the soap to the test. As soon as it got wet, it released the smell of sulphur. The odor overpowered the other smells it had. It reminded me of the chemistry set I played with as a kid. It's not a bad smell, but after a while it gets to be a little obnoxious. I washed my hair with it once, twice, rinsing it with the coldest water I could stand (cold water rinses out soap better than hot water.)

When I was done. I could still smell the sulphur, but my scalp felt good. I scratched my scalp over a black sheet of paper, and some small flakes fell out. So the soap isn't perfect. Maybe it takes several applications to fully kick in. I'll let you know.

If want to try this product, be sure to heed the warning:

"AVOID GETTIN IN EYES AS IT MAY CAUSE TEMPORARY SMARTING."

$1.95 at Del Sol